if squid were in the olympics (pt 1)

they would win all the swimming events

Aug 09, 2024

Happy Olympics! I’d like to congratulate Katie Ledecky for dominating the 1500m freestyle race once again. Ledecky holds the world record in this grueling race: 15 minutes and 20.48 seconds. She laps her olympic competition. She hasn’t lost the 1500m in 14 years. As someone who grew up in the US, I absolutely love dominance. But how does she stack up against a squid swimming for its life? Not so well.

When squids are really going, they can reach speeds up to 8 m/s (meters per second) or ~17 mph. They are the fastest swimming invertebrates in the world!! When Katie Ledecky set the 1500m freestyle world record, she swam 1.63m/s. Even the 50m freestyle gold medalist, Sarah Sjöström of Sweden, only swam 2.1 m/s to win with a time of 23.71. And even at normal cruising speeds, squid still move faster than our human olympians.1 As it turns out, humans were not actually designed to swim!

In certain circumstances though, humans do move faster than squid. For example, Ledecky swims much faster than Japanese squid migrating 2000km in the Sea of Japan (0.3m/s). She also swims faster than Japanese squid meandering towards a light source in the dark (0.97m/s).2

These spineless [complimentary] squids reach these high speeds using jet propulsion and fin movement. Jet propulsion all starts in the mantle, or, as I call it, the long tube part that becomes calamari rings. The mantle expands, the mantle cavity fills with water, then the mantle contracts. During contraction, pressure in the mantle cavity increases, and water is powerfully forced out through the siphon, a flexible funnel. Squid repeatedly contract the circular muscles around their mantle to create a pulsed jet that propels them through the water.

squid can flex their siphon to swim with their arms in front or arms in back! *image source*

Squid can also generate power by undulating and flapping their fins. In motion, the squid’s arms help them generate lift and control their stability in the water. Using these two systems, jet propulsion and fin action, squid can swim very quickly and with finesse. As they race to catch prey or avoid predators, they can also navigate complex structures like reefs, change direction quickly, and move almost vertically in the water column. Someone give these inverts a medal! They deserve it.

recs!

Have you heard of premium airport lounges?? Did you know they serve unlimited free food and drinks? What!? For the (substantial) annual fee of a premium travel credit card, you too can gorge on broccolini and get hammered before your flight. Wow, what a world we get to live in.

I experienced my first lounge recently in the Denver Airport. I hate to say it, but it was really nice. The Capital One Plaza Premium Lounge transformed my 3-hour flight delay from a CloudStrike chaos (minor) nightmare to something somewhat enjoyable. Curses! It is better to be in a quiet, relaxing space with showers and treats rather than lying on the ground by my gate. I got in for free thanks to my corporate lawyer teammate who seems like she’s 40 but actually is only 31! Thank you, ma’am. Thank you so, so much.

The morning after I returned home, I had no food to eat…except for a delicious bowl of Costco Nongshim Udon!!!! It’s an instant soup I crave and look forward to eating. I love to add extra dried wakame before I microwave it. When there are two minutes left on the microwave clock, I pour in a scrambled egg (or 2). Yum, it’s filling!

And my miscellaneous thoughts…

Tia Lupita’s salsa verde! She’s my go-to not-hot hot sauce. A long time favorite. It’s thick and creamy like a soup. You could practically drink it. You should probably drink it.
Food at A Bar of Their Own (Seward, Minneapolis). It’s…bad… Someone should tell them. For $15, you get a tiny, tough hamburger made of cafeteria frozen ground beef and some forgettable fries. I love women’s sports as much as the next person who plays a lot of women’s sports…but damn. I want to see them succeed! Did I go on an off night? Should I DM them on instagram with constructive feedback?

media!

In all the excitement about the Olympics, did you forget about American Football and the NFL? I certainly hope not. Before olympic season descended in full force, I watched two Netflix docuseries about the NFL: Receiver (about boys) and America’s Sweethearts: The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (about girls).

Receiver was great if you like football, Justin Jefferson (Minnesota Viking and local hero), or seeing hard work pay off.3 America’s Sweethearts was great if you like genre-defying dance, girls who look like they might have bullied me in middle school, or seeing hard work that does not pay off, at least not in money. While Receiver was fairly normal, America’s Sweethearts was haunting.

DCC director Kelli Finglass and DCC choreographer Judy Trammell aka DCC somewhat benevolent middle management.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (DCC) are talented dancers and athletes pursuing perfection on what might be cheerleading’s biggest stage.

As a “Liberal Arts baby from the North,”4 America’s Sweethearts are solidly out of my cultural experience. They put on full faces of make up before practice, and they say things like, “when you look at me, I want you to see Jesus” (paraphrased). While the culture shock might have lured me in, I stayed in it for the complexity. Director Greg Whiteley (Cheer, Last Chance U) challenged me to reject easy judgments and instead embrace “the dialectics of oppression and empowerment.” (I also obviously continued watching because I wanted to know what happened and because it was fun. I am not a monster.)

America’s Sweethearts is a story told by the DCC leadership, the alumni, and the current team—and the Cowboys Public Relations team. Any criticisms of the organization are left for the viewer to fill in. And as someone who is too far to the left, too queer, and too physically inflexible to be part of the DCC, there was a lot to be critical of.

The love, passion, and dedication the DCC past and present have for the organization borders on cult-like. Director Kelli Finglass (DCC ‘84-89) and Lead Choreographer Judy Trammell (DCC ‘80-’84) pay it forward by aggressively policing current DCC cheerleaders’ bodies and attitudes. If you have been body/shamed by an older woman, this dynamic may feel familiar.

The show circles around the tenuous balance between the athleticism, dance skill, and aesthetics that make a successful Cowboys cheerleader. Having the right body is so important that sometimes the way the iconic uniform fits can determine whether or not someone makes the team. And once you get your uniform, you do not get another—your body better not change.

Victoria (bottom, in the middle) has one of the more depressing stories on the show. She tries so hard to be liked but then no one likes her… myself included :\.

Not only do the cheerleaders have to constantly maintain their body size, they also have to be so, so nice and attentive as they visit nursing homes and sign swimsuit calendars. They are America’s Sweethearts, after all.

When their brand is being America’s most charming, sexy, and relatable women though, all too often men overstep and violate the cheerleaders’ boundaries. The cheerleaders get groped, stalked, and otherwise sexually harassed without much accountability. As they support and comfort each other through these traumatic experiences, there’s a sense of inevitability around it, at least for the organization. That’s just the cost of doing business.

You may be wondering who exactly is reaping the rewards of this “cost” and “business.” It’s not the cheerleaders. These elite performers get paid “like Chick-Fil-A worker[s] working full time,” and many of them work full time jobs on top of rehearsing 2-5 times per week. The Cowboys are valued at $9B—why don’t these cheerleaders get paid more?!

Charlotte Jones, co-owner of the Dallas Cowboys, had a great answer. For context, she’s the daughter of Jerry Jones, who eventually, after many failed business ventures, got filthy rich from oil and gas. In a wonderful confessional, she explains that the girls aren’t in it for the money—they’re in it for the sisterhood. It’s like she wants to stoke populist revolution.

full quote: “You know, there’s a lot of cynicism around pay for NFL cheerleaders, and-and, as it should be. Um, they’re not paid a lot. But the facts are is [sic] that they don’t actually come here for the money. They come here for something that’s actually bigger than that to them. They have a passion for dance. There are not a lot of opportunities in the field of dance, um, to get to perform at an elite level. It is about being a part of something bigger than themselves. It is about a sisterhood that they were able to form, about relationships that they have for the rest of their life. They have a chance to feel that they’re valued, that they’re special, and that they are making a difference. When the women come here, they find their passion and their find their purpose.” - America’s Sweethearts, Episode 1

While the show presents a complicated and captivating picture of the DCC and the women who love it, its non-approach to talking about religion, sex appeal, and, most egregiously, race left me feeling unsatisfied. Tell me about how these good Christian women reconcile their religious beliefs (modesty??)5 with sensually writhing in hot pants and cropped shirts in front of audiences of thousands of men.6 Explain to me why there are only a handful of Black (or non-white) cheerleaders, and show me what their experiences are like in this aggressively white organization. Kelli, Judy, and Charlotte are obviously carefully managing race like they do all other aspects of the DCC. To dive into gender politics and sexism without mention of race? In this economy?? Come on.

And yet, despite some disturbing dynamics and frustrating omissions, I truly wanted everyone to make the team and achieve their dreams (except for Charly, she was kind of mean). By the end, I was wholeheartedly rooting for Jesus-loving beauty queen Reece.7 I came to respect the DCC as competitors and performers, and as supportive friends and teammates. For better or for worse, I think this show was a PR win for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and the Dallas Cowboys organization. I hope it translates into raises for the DCC at the very least. And I hope that these women heal quickly from their jump-split-induced hip surgeries.8

In full transparency, squid cruising speed article looks like it was written by AI.

Jun Yamamoto of Hokkaido University does a lot of research on Todarodes pacificus

Receiver is the sequel to Quarterback, which I wrote about here. It follows 5 top receivers through their 2023 seasons. I laughed, I cried, I felt pain when they got tackled repeatedly and experienced horrific things like “tearing an oblique off the bone.” For NFL stars, they are getting more than fairly compensated for their sacrifices. Everyone else though in the football universe? Maybe not.

As described by squidstack reader Sophie N

My friends have been telling me that some hot Christians believe that if god gave you the goods, it’s your god-given duty to show them off ;)

The DCC dress up as sexy Santa’s helpers for Christmas, dancing around old man Claus to lyrics like "I'm gonna pop, pop Santa Claus with my water pistol gun (Squirt Squirt).” It’s not like I don’t think Santa Claus should have a good sex life, but…perhaps with someone his own age who doesn’t also work for him? Is that too much to ask?

Reece has the most comparatively unimpressive boyfriend/husband I’ve ever seen.